"The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..."

I'll spare you the gory details of my most recent pity party, which took place about 2 hours ago, but I WILL tell you what started it--and what ended it.

I came home from my family's Christmas celebration tonight, unloaded my bag of "goodies" and crashed on the couch. Alone. Just the cat and me, staring at my beautifully decorated, but now giftless tree, thinking about the day and what it means/doesn't mean (well, the cat was probably thinking about hacking up a furball or something, but *I* was, of course, thinking holy thoughts about the baby Jesus in his golden diaper. Or something similar.) ;-)

I've talked to so many people this Christmas season (including 4 yesterday) who are sad, depressed, disheartened, lonely, discouraged. It's tough, no matter what the reason, if you're alone on Christmas. It's tough for me. I mean, honestly, I would much rather come home and curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and someone I love than be sitting here by myself, fighting back those nasty, self-pitying tears. I'm human. I'm created for community and for relationship. I may be mostly "ok" with this ongoing, sometimes seemingly endless, season of singleness, but today, I DON'T like it one bit.

And then I got a phone call from a dear friend with whom I'd not spoken since...last April, I think. She was one of the long-term volunteers at God's Katrina Kitchen. An unlikely friend, because we have almost nothing in common except for the fact that we love God and were given the amazing privilege of serving the "marginalized" people along the post-Katrina Mississippi Gulf Coast. She and her husband have most recently been working with Hurricane Ike clean-up in the Galveston area.

The whole time we were talking, I was simultaneously mentally kicking myself for my big pity party and thanking God for providing a friend who felt prompted to call at the exact moment I really needed her. As we caught up on where our lives have taken us in the past 8 months, she shared a story about a time in her life when she felt the same way I'm feeling right now...she didn't blithely offer any of the stupid platitudes that make me want to slap people when the inane words come out of their mouths, nor did she jump in and wallow with me--she just told me that she understood how I felt and she knew that God would use this time for good, even though it might not seem good at the moment.

I know I'll see it someday. And that knowing makes being curled up on my couch alone tonight much more bearable.

Lesson learned...

...again.

Life really does go on. And you can choose to sit, molding and petrifying on the sidelines, wrapped in the tattered shawl of the past, watching all those beautiful brave people out on the dance floor, enjoying themselves while you rot away in your misery...or you can leap right into the scary-as-hell fray and grab a little of the good stuff for yourself.

Case in point (not really what I'm talking about, but it's a good enough example): I fell on the ice today. I slipped on the second step on my front porch and bounced (really, I did) down the remaining three. I could've crawled right back into my house and stayed there until all the ice melted and the world was safe again, but I got up, laughed it off, brushed the ice off my butt, limped to my car and went back to work. I'm really sore. I'll be worse tomorrow. But the ice didn't win.

*I* am going to win this. I'm done with the sidelined, feeling-sorry-for-myself crap. Fear of the unknown is a lot better than living an empty life. Fear of the unknown is, actually, kind of exciting.

Game on.

Hiatus not of my choosing...

Aside from the usual flurry of pre-Christmas activity, I've been plagued with a horrible cold that sidelined me for several days last week and has now turned into bronchitis. Per doctor's orders, I've been lying on the couch, doing NOTHING but resting, taking my meds and drinking gallons of water, addressing Christmas cards, and watching Season 2 of The Office.

I'm going to be out of town this weekend and I'm having a party at my house Monday night. Oh, well. I normally do a big thing for the Girls' Game Night Christmas party. Not this year. I'm thinking pizza. Or something else I can order from somewhere. The cooking thing is just not happening. This is a challenge for me--I've been spouting off about Christmas being more about spending time with our loved ones and less time/money on the insanity...now I get to put that into practice for real and all the little "Martha Stewart" cells in me are screaming in horror. Serves me right, eh? ;-)

Back to The Office. What a strange show. I can't honestly say I "like" it, but I'm drawn with a weirdly morbid fascination to each episode--I can't quit watching it. And I've even laughed out loud (well, as "out loud" as someone with bronchitis and laryngitis CAN laugh, that is!) a few times tonight. At the strangest things. Probably because it's a strange show and I'm...well, a little eccentric myself. I'm glad I finally gave into the pressure of my peers.

I'm working on a couple of posts that I hope to finish in the not-too-distant future. A man I deeply admired died last week and his death and funeral and the gaping crater he's left in the lives of many have affected me profoundly. God is challenging me to (even though I could never fill his shoes) step up to the plate and be what I profess to be. Not sure what that's going to look like right now.

The Griswold Family Christmas Tree in my living room (well, it's actually just a little Fraser Fir) either has the infamous squirrel hiding in it or an ornament is slipping off its branch--I hear strange noises emerging from it and the cat is sleeping peacefully on the back of the couch. Yep. The ornament just crashed to the floor. Good thing nothing is breakable on my tree.

And that's pretty much the scope of my wisdom for tonight. Too much "stuff" in my head for much deep thought.