My history is in the MAKING...

Ever have one of those spine-tingling, goosebump-producing moments where you know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that God is PRESENT and, more than just present, speaking directly to you in a very personal way? I had one of those moments last night. Mind you, I don't believe that God lives in the goosebumps, but sometimes His presence is just so sudden and real and strong, it's like that ozonish SIZZLE in the air after a too-near lightning strike--you can hear Him, you can feel Him, you can almost taste Him...and you feel like your hair is standing on end and you might pass out from the way it takes your breath away.

I went to see Matthew West in concert last night. He's just a great, all-around nice guy. And I really like his music (obviously, or I wouldn't be plunking down money for a ticket). One of his recent songs is called "History" and it's one of my favorites--I really like the lyrics, because they talk about "the day that Love made history"...the love that broke the chains, gave you the chance to walk away from your past sins and be completely free.

When he started the set-up to this song last night, though, something happened. I was kind of distracted by the group of kids in front of me and was only half-listening until I started to feel that "sizzle" thing starting. I didn't hear an audible voice (still waiting for that!!), but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had just whispered "THIS is important and it's for you, so pay attention!" All I heard Matthew West say was "Your history is in the making." In the MAKING. Lightning bolt. I understood it perfectly.

My history, my entire history, my entire life, was there at the beginning--at the "making" of me. God knew the number of my days, the number of hairs on my head, the number of tears that would fall from my eyes...and the sound of my laughter. He knew where I would live, the choices I would make, and the lives that would entertwine with mine. My life--my "history"--was contained in that first single cell that was "me"...just like the tiny seed that holds everything needed to one day become an apple tree loaded with fruit, I've always held somewhere inside of me the inherent characteristics that God put in me to become what He planned for me to be. Me...my history...was there at my making. In my making. I lack for nothing. His plan is perfect.

God's impeccable attention to detail...

WHY am I still amazed when things like this happen? You'd think by now I would be accustomed to those so-called "coincidences" that seem to happen just when I need them. But maybe that's a really good thing...I kind of like being surprised by God now and then. So, here's the story...

I've recently re-connected with a very old and very dear friend with whom I went to high school (one of the perks of being on the *insert choking sound here* 25th class reunion committee). We were co-workers in my post-college factory-work days...until he left small-town America to pursue a military career. Of course, when you're re-connecting with someone with whom you've been out of touch for 20 years, you have to play a lot of "catch-up". And, for me, that means re-living some of the details of a ten-year chapter in my life that I consider, for the most part, to be closed. But, for someone who knew me 20 years ago to understand why I am the "who" I am today (a VERY different person), it's important to me that they see at least the bare bones of the process.

Looking at the process, however, always makes me start analyzing things again--asking those "what if?" questions for which I simply have NO answers. But I still ask them. And then I get upset with myself for not having the answers that I know aren't there. Go figure.

Someone told me a few weeks ago, half-apologetically, that he'd almost forgotten that I'd ever been married--honestly, I sometimes forget it myself. Well, maybe not "forget", but I don't dwell on it. It IS primarily a closed chapter...one of those "back-story" things that was fundamental in shaping my character into the person I am today, but not actively part of the story I'm now living. But once in awhile, it jumps to the forefront for whatever reason, and I deal with it and move on. So, it's jumped to the forefront, I'm asking the same old questions again, wondering what I might have done differently, and...fast-forward to tonight:

I'm cleaning out the desk I inherited from my Gram. Don't ask me why--there was no practical purpose for it, except I opened a drawer to shove some photos in and it was messy and I started a drawer-by-drawer reorganization. I pulled a handful of papers out of one of the drawers and found, at the very bottom, a folded-up sheet of notebook paper, covered in familiar writing. It was a letter from my step-daughter, written to her dad, right before he and I separated, begging him to "SEE" me (her words)...to recognize me for the amazing treasure I was and to stop putting other things (music, work, friends, tv, etc.) before our marriage. It was also a letter from God to me. Sometimes it's just good to hear Him say "see, I AM listening and here's your answer".