Dena quoting Longbrake quoting Jong...

...worthy of a repeat performance:

On Love & Risk
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything that it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.
-Erica Jong

Thinking very seriously on that last sentence. Sometimes I want to take the "no risk" path for my own self-protection, but I always seem to come back to the conclusion that, if I don't risk, I don't really live. Love is tough. LIFE is tough. I see people all around me who are hurt--to the point of devastation, even--by the end result of their choice to love someone who walked away/violated the trust/broke the promise/repeated the whispered confession/refused to respond. Fill in the blank with a million different things.

And then I see those "happy plastic people"--the ones who don't risk, who guard their heart behind a safe brick wall. They're unbruised and unscarred and unruffled--hair combed in place, pants neatly pressed and creased, collars starched and stiff. Smiles starched and stiff. Plastic. Their hearts playing house in the safety of a gated community. Plastic. Happy? Umm...

There's just too much to lose on that road. I don't want to risk missing life in the fullest...even if it means devastating sorrow at times. That kind of sorrow pushes me to look up, to reach up...to soar to the heights of happiness and giddiness and all the wonderful stuff that comes with loving people.

Me...

...in a cartoon nutshell!

Invisible Writing...

I took down my Christmas tree today. Usually a sad day for me, but for some reason, this year was different. It's nice to have at least a small sense of accomplishment--of packing up the old to make room for the new, of paring down and reordering. This year is starting out strangely for me...first, I made resolutions and now I'm glad the tree is down. Weird stuff in my house.

So...most of the ornaments on my tree are handmade, but there are a few exceptions. Like the series of Starbucks holiday ornaments I have. I've been collecting them since 2004.

Until this year, my 2004 ornament had a date written on it in black Sharpie--a commemoration of a "first date" with someone with whom I thought, at the time, there would be many more dates and many Christmases to celebrate. Not so. As I've unpacked the ornaments the past few years, I've looked at that date and "unpacked" a truckload of memories as well. This year, I unwrapped the 2004 ornament, armed myself with a rag and some rubbing alcohol and scrubbed the writing off. Gone. Kind of.

Thing is, I still "see" the now-invisible writing. It's a memory. And not only is it a memory, it's a shaper of my "today". Part of the pages of the yesterdays that make the story of my life what it is today. I can look at that ornament and still see with my mind's eye the writing that was there for 3 years, even though it's not visible to anyone else. But people can look at me and see the indelible ink of the past written all over me...whether or not they even recognize it as such. And isn't it so with everyone?

My friends Jon and Nate recently lost their father. I never met their dad--my only knowledge of him is through their eyes, but he must have been an amazing man to have left the impression that he did on his sons' lives. I'm grateful for the pages he helped to write of the chapters of their pasts, grateful for the integrity and strength and character and honesty he inked on the pages of their growing-up years.

Another friend recently went through an ugly divorce--from a cheating, lying, scheming, abusive man. His writing on her pages was ugly and harsh and cruel...and his pen slashed its way through those previous chapters and still bleeds ink onto her todays. Not so invisible. Not so easy to work around. Maybe someday she'll be able to turn to a fresh, clean, undamaged page and write something beautiful again.

And aren't we all like that? We're just books...of words and illustrations written on our collected yesterdays by people who might have loved us or hated us--people who left their marks, invisible or not, in various chapters of our stories. I see now (I haven't always) that my story is beautiful, even with the "ugly" pages scattered here and there--and, really, if it weren't for those messed-up, ink-splattered, icky pages, I wouldn't have nearly as much appreciation for the ones where all the words fit together in cohesive, amazingly-crafted, profound (sometimes!) sentences. I love my story.

So, it's ok that, when I look at a Starbucks ornament, I see invisible writing that no one else sees. It's ok that my life didn't go according to that plan. It's really ok that there's a better plan than the one I had in mind. And it's pretty cool to me that someone else might look at my little collection of ornaments (and at me) and see, instead of someone hanging onto yesterday, a woman who's (kind of) got her shit together, loves today, and can't wait to write on tomorrow's page.

...No Longer to Linger...

In 2008, I am (semi) resolved to:

• Continue the no fast food (year #2)/no soda (year #3) plan.
• Remove (again) as much processed sugar as possible from my diet.
• Start (for real, not just think about) exercising regularly (walking).
• Take more photos and get serious about learning good technique, instead of just winging it.
• Write more (and better quality) stuff--here and elsewhere.
• Lose (ugh!!) 30 pounds...and keep it off for at least 6 weeks so I can win $100. :-)
• Make a list of books I want to read.
• And then read them.
• REALLY learn some basic Spanish.
• Visit Katie in Montana this summer.
• Suck it up at my workplace and do the best job I can for the next 2 years so I can get out of there and do something I enjoy for the rest of my days.
• Practice intentional community.
• Focus on the "nows"...revel in the moments, soak up the experiences.
• Allow God more access...and become more teachable...and more cognizant of his teachable moments.

That should keep me busy for awhile!

Cuteness...

This is what happens when you tell someone she looks like a "frumpy old woman" in her beautiful new furry purple hat--you have to pose for a picture with the old frump, wearing said hat yourself! ;-)

All in all, I would say this was a wonderful Christmas season--I mean, we're both still smiling genuine smiles after spending 2 whole weeks together...that says a lot!

Takin' me some stock, turnin' me some pages...

So. I'm not much on the whole "new year's resolutions" thing. January 1 is just another day...just another flip of a calendar page. It's no more momentous than...oh, say, April 21, or September 17 or December 11.

But. It is, upon occasion, perfectly acceptable (and advisable, even) to sit down, tear the past apart, view it with a critical eye, and give some thought to the days ahead, be they the wintry days of January, the Ides of March, the Summer Solstice...or just plain old next week.

If you need a reminder of what the last few months have been like for me, read a few posts down. 'Nuff said. And in the midst of the flurry of retrospection/introspection going on here, I've realized I've enjoyed the thick cape of anger and resentment in which I've wrapped myself since September. SO...I guess the word for this day, this week, this month--maybe even the entire year--is going to be "forgive". Not sure I really like the taste of that on my tongue. REALLY not sure I like the feeling of being stripped naked. I kind of liked that cape.

But. (Again.) I read this guy's blog today. And it nailed me. So, amidst the other "resolutions" I'm considering (stay tuned--I'm feeling the need to make myself accountable), forgiveness is going to be a biggie. I don't want to be weak and self-righteous. Or otherwise ugly. Here's part of what he had to say:

Forgive Those Who Have Wronged You
"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:19-21)

In the course of a year, it is possible to build up many offenses and personal grievances at others. Left unaddressed, these grievances fester and grow. They turn the heart black and the body weak. They foster a spirit of vengeance and misguided self-righteousness. The short of it is this: Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Bitterness curdles the mind and the spirit.

Fresh starts and new years should begin with forgiveness for others. Having a genuine spirit of forgiveness towards those who have wronged us is a mark of biblical Christianity. It is an evidence that we have been redeemed, and that we are praying lawfully: “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12).

Successful Christians are men and women who are free from bitterness. They have learned the principle modeled by our Lord Jesus Christ who, while suffering death at the hands of people he had never wronged, was able to say “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24).

Bitterness comes from being unwilling to forgive. Bitter people are small people. They are unsuccessful people. They are people who cannot move forward. They are people who believe that the personal wrongs against them are so great that they — the offended — are entitled to do to their offenders what they pray the Lord Jesus Christ will never do to them: refuse to forgive.

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

Still my favorite video. Because I needed a smile. Maybe you do, too.