Dating, schmating...

Yeah, well.

I have a long-standing love/hate relationship with the whole issue of dating. Historically, it's been: if I'm dating, I (mostly) love it; if I'm not, I (pretty much) hate it. Not so much anymore. Life has a way of changing the way you look at things.

I read the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" for the first time a very long time ago. Hated it. LOATHED it. Thought Joshua Harris was totally full of...THAT stuff. But I was married at the time. Married and full of that "I have someone now, so I feel bad that other people are struggling with this, but...good luck with it!" arrogance that married people seem to assimilate when they cross that no-longer-single threshold. Granted, Joshua Harris was very young and didn't know much about "real" relationships when he wrote the book, but...I was still arrogant. I disagreed with the concept of courtship and I laughed at people who thought it was THE answer.

Fast-forward a few years. I was divorced. My best guy friend, Chad, was also divorced and pursuing a relationship with someone. He read the book. Told me that I needed to read it again with new eyes and, since I usually listen to him when he tells me something's important, I bought a copy and followed his advice. Amazingly enough, it made a whole lot of sense to me...in a way it never did when I was married, because I was where I thought I would never again be: "back on the market". (It makes me cringe to even type those words.)

Now, mind you, I don't buy into the whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" philosophy, but I DO agree that the American version of dating is a pretty crappy way of doing business, especially for those of us who are coming at the process from the standpoint of a follower of Jesus. And that's especially true for those of us who are single-again. And don't even get me started on those "singles ministry" things that are nothing but meat markets for the so-called pious. Seriously. Don't get me started.

God really did a number on me last summer when he brought me to the place where I realized that my hope for a relationship had not been in HIM, but in hope itself. I said I believed in God's provision, but when he told me, clearly and distinctly, that I had to put "hope" on an altar and sacrifice it, I was devastated. I cried for days, because if I didn't have this hope, what did I have? MY answer to that question was "nothing". My dreams for the future were built around the strong hope that I had for God to provide my "soulmate" (or at least something close). My dreams weren't built around God. And he summarily knocked them all down with one fell swoop. My new directive: Be content, no matter what my situation (ie, relationship status).

All this to say: I hate the process. I hate the "let's get dressed up and pretend we're wildly funny and intelligent and amazing and fascinating" junk. That's not life. It's stupid and not what we're created for. There's nothing wrong with getting dressed up and having fun, but when it's nothing but a performance, it's just wrong. And we end up marrying someone we don't even know, because we think he/she is really the persona we're dating. It's a game. And I don't do games. Which is probably why I've not had a date in...well, a very long time. ;-)


I love those sweet, epiphanal moments when they happen. I had one recently. I was talking to a friend about how tough it is, no matter on which side of a relationship you find yourself, because neither place is the nirvana we all (on the other side) think it will be. My friend told me that she and her husband are best friends (he says the same thing--isn't that cool?) And I realized that's what I want. My heart's desire is a relationship where I wake up one morning and realize that I've fallen in love with my best friend...and not really know when it happened. No games, no show, no pretenses...no masks.

I'm no longer willing to settle for anything less. Which means I'm probably STILL not going to have a date in a very long time...and that's just fine.