These are days when I'm grateful for the fog of numbness that's been surrounding me lately. I wonder sometimes if I would even be able to stand underneath the weight of grief pressing down on me if I could actually feel it.
The pastor of our church has resigned--for the second time. And he won't be coming back this time. Which is a good thing. Because he "committed inappropriate acts with a female church member" (somewhat accurate quotation from his letter of resignation).
I am SO SICK of this shit. I know my heart's broken, but I just can't feel it right now. And that's a good thing. I don't want to feel anything for awhile...I just want to be numb.
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I am so sorry...
My heart breaks when I hear how easy it is for some to be deceived, especially those whose job it was to protect the sheep...and I am so sorry that many close by knew something was up but couldn't, for some reason, deal with it.
...and now, there is wreckage. My prayer is that you come away from this with nothing lost- no joy, no trust in the Lord, no freedom lost.
~a survivor of the same
He's a "frequent flyer" at this sort of behavior, apparently--we just didn't know it until it was too late.
This is my third time through this...I swore the last time it happened that I would never trust a pastor again, but I let myself hope and trust...and I don't know that I ever will again.
If I may, it is good to reexamine where we put our trust. Sometimes it it not so clear that our trust has been in the man and not in the Lord.
Don't let them win, Dena. Don't let their acts of betrayal ever rob you of living in those KFC moments...God is leading us into the the place where we will be able to love all men because we didn't trust them beyond what they were capable of...Jesus entrusted Himself to no man for HE knew what they were made of. But He was free, then, to love them,,,Nothing in Him depended on them.
Anyway, I am the ex wife of just such a pastor. I was tempted to remain the victim but figured out the Lord would have me be victorious...and that is what He wants for you...victory...
I'll be standing with you in this...JEsus wants you all to Himself- this is a good thing.
THANK YOU for your encouragement, faintnot.
I can see that I have changed and grown since the last time--part of me has been able to separate the individual from the act and still love him, despite my anger and hurt.
I know that I'm right where I am for a purpose--there are many of us in the church I currently attend who migrated from my former church...so many in our church are broken and grieving and not sure how they'll pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. I know it's possible...and not only possible, but inevitable.
There are just those moments, though, when I rage against the stupidity and senselessness of the whole thing. The wasted potential...thrown away for WHAT? The hurt lives--his family, her family, our church family.
And, obviously, you understand all this already.
My hope is in the Lord, my trust IS in the Lord. Ultimately, that's all that matters. But this kind of betrayal at the hands of one entrusted to be not only His hands and feet but especially His voice to the body--the pain runs deep, because I know the damage done to those I love.
Psalm 71. :-)
It is like being raped...ultimate betrayal..and to know that such little value was placed on the feeding of God's sheep. Against God and God only has he sinned and I know that the Lord will deal strongly with him. Let's pray for his family that they will fight to move on in the Lord. That they will be treated kindly and generously by the very body he hurt. I know of no greater pain then to realize that you have invested all you had into a marriage that was a lie..all your history is a lie, all the dreams and promised were a lie. Pray for his wife...she is in agony. Pray that she is a witness to her children that they may know God is real and does enable them to stand when they have lost all strength.
Sorry, I am rambling...it hurts for everyone involved. Let it bring you all together this time instead of scattering you like lost sheep.
and never stop worshipping in that wonderful way that you do...
*hug* D. Love you.
Got nothing but live for you sista. Hang in there and let me know if you need more cyberhugs than this one. HUG
That was a misspelling in the first sentence there. It is not nothin but live for you sista. But should read.
Nothin but love for you sista.
Thanks, Nate. I felt the love the first time, no matter what the spelling. :-)
This is just a tough time and I don't have very many words right now...I know I will someday. I'm looking forward to getting back to that semblance of normal. :-)
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