...to be causing such a struggle for me.
TRUST–noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
I read this definition and it makes perfect, logical sense. And then I turn around to see how this fits into where I am right now and it all falls apart.
I wrote a few weeks ago about having faith in a God that I can't see...and now I'm struggling with trusting that same God. If I really have the faith I say I have, why doesn't trust automatically follow?
I can pick this definition apart and fully agree that I can rely on the integrity, strength and ability of God. And I DO, indeed, have confident expectation and hope of...well, something. I guess it comes down to the fact that I trust what *I* think is best for me more than I trust the great unknown of what's behind door number one in the mystery of whatever God's thinking.
I know this sounds crazy, but I have to sacrifice my hope. I'm seeing, with some clarity, that my trust, my "confident expectation of something" has been in myself. My hope hasn't been in God...it's been hope that God will give me what I want. It's WAY too similar to some of that "your best life now, name it and claim it" prosperity BS. I've always found a way to justify it because my dreams aren't for financial riches--my dearest dreams are, for the most part, cloaked in really good, unselfish intentions. But now I'm seeing that, if I'm really going to trust God, it requires laying those things (and one especially) down...tying them up on an altar, actually, and taking the knife to them. Sounds pretty morbid, doesn't it?
So...I'm honestly not sure where I go from here. On the surface, it's an easy answer. An obvious one. But when it's the thing you hold most dear--the most treasured, precious, beautiful hope you currently possess--and you see that God may choose to NOT provide another lamb for the sacrifce and hand your dream back to you, well...I'm not there yet.
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2 comments:
Well, you sound like a lovely person. :)
Trust is difficult when we define it in western cultural terms. Think of it.. how can we *not* trust an all-knowing universe/God?
Here's one of the keywords I plucked from your post because it's the best one to address (imo):
expectations: I don't think we can have real trust in anything or anyone until we release expectation. Expectation is all tied up in a belief in personal control. We expect that if we take Action A that Result B will naturally occur - like a dialectic.
I don't believe the universe works that way. Trust is having faith that we will follow the path we are intended to follow. It can't be proscribed or micromanaged. It can only happen when we let go.
Make any sense?
Also.. if you get the chance, read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. (Or get the audio version, as I did. There was something wonderful about hearing his voice.) I mentioned it in my post - and was truly impressed with it. I think it will address some of your questions. :)
May you be well and happy. (And thanks for coming by my site today! :)
~*
I agree with thailandchani about our expectations dictating our trust, but I know my God and He has brought you (and I, and others) to this place, this point in time for a reason...and it is this: He is going to show you how to let go and really come to that resting place where trust has no requirements attached to it.
It is a scary journey, this trust trip, but it is a good journey and He has promised to bring us through.
I will be checking in to see how you are doing... ;)
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