...in the midst of the murkiness of my life.
See, I've been (mentally/emotionally) chasing this thing. This thing that I've been telling myself would make me happy. Not solve all my problems, and, in fact, would add a "whole 'nother" layer of...well, issues, at least, if not all-out problems, to my life. But I've had myself convinced that this is what I wanted. Needed, even.
It's really a beautiful, good thing. The idea of it makes me smile. Makes me almost giddy at times. But would it make me happy? I've told myself and others that it would. I've chased it for so long, I feel like King Pellinore on his endless search for the Questing Beast. It's been a delightful hunt, what? (Read "The Once and Future King" if you want to chase down that obscure reference.)
So. Moment of clarity. Curtains pulled back. Daylight pouring in. Dispersing shadows. This thing is NOT for me. It absolutely will not bring me happiness. And now, with all this light pouring in, I'm taking a good look at my heart...and I'm realizing that, somewhere deep inside, I knew it all along. And you know what? This isn't another one of those "kill your hope on the altar" kinds of things like I went through a month or so ago. This is just another step toward authenticity. It doesn't hurt. In fact, I laughed out loud when I saw how clear it was.
Maybe when you let go of things that aren't really yours to claim, it opens the door to what really COULD be. Guess we'll see.
Not sure it fits, but I've had Andrew Peterson's "The Chasing Song" on my mind since my little epiphany, so I'm sharing it.
The Chasing Song
Words and music by Andrew Peterson
Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't
Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes
Well I wish that I could say
that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Job, he chased an answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he
Captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him
Well I wish that I could say
that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Samson chased a woman
and he chased the Philistines
I'm not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
And Jesus chased the moneymen
And he chased his Father's will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And he caught it on that hill
Saul, he chased the Christians
Till his blindness made him see
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
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4 comments:
That is fabulous. I can relate, though I'd love to get to the place where it doesn't hurt.
Hi Dena! I just happened by your blog as I hit my interest hypertext for "being the hands and feet of Jesus." How cool is the Holy Spirit? hahaha Anyways, I look forward to getting to know you through your blog and reading more information on how God is and will transform your life more and more like Him.
God bless,
Melissa
PS...Did you know you are one of four people on Blogger that has the interest of being the hands and feet of Jesus? I was amazed. Happy blogging!
So, I came back just now and read your post about having clarity and chasing happiness (or the lack thereof). I was amused at your way of writing because it made me chase one word right after the first was read and processed, so I could get a glimpse of what you were indeed saying. I liked that. Lately, all I have been chasing is wanting more of Jesus. I am a total Jesus freak who is shameless for Him and His love. I don't think I am running after anything else as much as my running after Him. To me, nothing else matters as much as I love God and be the hands and feet of Jesus, then I can truly feel the gloriousness (sorry, made up that word...sounded good when I initially wrote it) of God's truths transforming my life. I look forward to reading more of your words and seeing how God transforms you.
I'm still surprised that this one didn't hurt, E...of all the things I would expect would hurt, this is definitely one of them.
Maybe it's because it's kind of a repeat ephiphany--that's crazy, isn't it?! ;-) But I've been in this place before and recognized, for all the same reasons, that this, although a GREAT thing, isn't the best thing for me. I think I like the idea of it better than the thing itself.
Melissa--welcome. :-) I'm always glad when new "faces" find their way here.
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